Another Week

Not far into my week and it's already been quite interesting. Monday I had a massage. This was mom's advice. I've still not really been able to come down from the huge amounts of stress I've subjected myself to over the last year. So, massage. :-)

My poor right shoulder has been bothering me for years now. It started during my senior thesis, and just hasn't gone away. There's a nice big knot deep down under the shoulder blade and everything stiffens up from all the way up my neck. It's still not much better, but I think it got loosened up a little bit. And I've decided to take a break from my work every 30 min to stretch my shoulders and back.

I had quite an interesting encounter after my massage too. I was on the way to the library (destressed just in time to get back to work! haha) and a guy passed me on a bike riding Dutch style, which is to say he had another guy on the back with him. I was in his way, and he said excuse me, and I smiled as I moved over and he passed. No big deal.

I walked down the street, walked into a shop, stood in line, bought some envelopes, hit the street again. And suddenly there he was again, walking along beside me. "You have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen." he said. Oh boy.

Actually, he was a very nice guy, and we talked about the Middle East (I'm moving to Egypt, he's from Morocco, good times) and he asked me for my number and I said no, and it was a nice time. :-p He was very considerate, but, as I pointed out to him a) I have a boyfriend and b) I don't tend to give out my number to strange men who chase me on the street, or, well, anyone. "I swear I don't usually do this, but you have the most beautiful smile!" I'm sure I do.... :-D

And so, the rest of my week continues. :-P

The Virtues of the Blank State

This is an excellent time to celebrate the pleasures of emptiness . . . to extol the virtues of the blank slate . . . to be open to endless possibilities but committed to none . . . to bask in the freedom of not having to be anything, anyone, or anywhere. Are you smart enough to need no motto to live by? Are you resourceful enough to rely on nothing but the raw truth of the present moment? If so, you will thrive in the coming days.

Koos has been gone for two weeks today. Sort of hard to imagine. Time seems to have gotten a bit tangled up when he left. I would almost swear it had been months, years! But I feel like he'll walk in any minute as if he never left. Fortunately, the little time swirl means that I don't spend much time pining. He feels just as close as ever. Thank All That Might Be Considered Remotely Good for the internet! :-p

What I have spent my time doing is making a decision and sticking with it. I ducked out of the blogging world because I was faced, once again, with the decision of whether to go home, or to stick out the masters here in Holland. It was a fierce battle. One day I was 100% for leaving, the next it was 100% for staying. And those were the good times! Often it would change from one minute to the next! Confusion and chaos! :-) So, I decided not to think about it, to relax and just let the answer come. And it did. I shall stay.

Or rather, I shall move to Cairo in October. :-P

I think my horoscope for the week fits my current mood very well. When Koos left, my "normal life" got shaken up a bit. And not only did he leave, but my classes started again. This time I feel so much more prepared than I did last year. (Although, after looking back to my entry from 22.Sept.08, it turns out, I'm wearing the same shirt...!)

However, no new sort of "normal" has yet settled in to replace the old. My class schedule has been erratic, and it will stay that way. I leave for Cairo in less than a month (!!) and there's just no time for anything like a routine to impose itself on me. Every Thursday I meet Jennifer for coffee at 3pm, and we chat until 5pm. Every Friday I have Epigraphy class at 9am until 11am. And that's what I have for a schedule these days! This is good, and this is terrifying. I have PLENTY of work to do, it's not about having too much or even too little time. I simply have to take each day as it comes.

This does not happen often in our lives!! How many people can really say they've only got 4 hours of their week planned before it begins? Think about it! Even if you don't have class one week, you still have work, or sports, or hobbies, something scheduled. Even if one thing gets shifted, you still have other things that are set! It's an amazing feeling, freeing and confining at the same time!

Though, I suppose if I'm honest, I've been living like this for quite a while now. Like over the summer. I very rarely had anything I HAD to do at any given time. However, I always felt that I should be studying, working, thinking, for, on, about, my Egyptian exams. Nearly drove me crazy, so I don't think I'll approach the emptiness in the same way again. I got the work done, though, and done even better than I had thought, so I suppose in the end it was worth it.

I also learned to stop feeling guilty for taking time to relax. And that was certainly worth it!

Decisions

Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?

The Master doesn't seek fulfillment.
Not seeking, not expecting,
she is present, and can welcome all things.

--Tao Te Ching

Wishy-Washy Wishes and Lukewarm Longings

My first demand is that you weed out the wishy-washy wishes and lukewarm longings that keep you distracted from your burning desires. My second demand is that you refuse to think that anyone else knows better than you what dreams will keep your life energy humming with maximum efficiency and beauty. Now please repeat the following assertions about 20 times: "I know exactly what I want. I know exactly what I don't want. I know exactly what I kind of want but I won't waste my time on it any more because it sidetracks me from working on what I really really want." 

(www.freewillastrology.com)

A Special Burn on Sunsets

There isn't much to say.  Rather, there is so much going through my head that very few words can be wrestled onto the page.

Koos has gone back to Africa.  

I'm filled with doubt and walking on the edges again.

I'm in valley about to flood, and I can't decide which mountain to climb to save myself.

This is not like my former heartbreaks.  There was no shattering this time, no splinters I have to pluck from my bare feet, brush from my pillow.  Just two fragments, one here, one far away.

"No day is safe from news of you, walking about in Africa, maybe, but thinking of me."  --Sylvia Plath

(Image: Indecision by Andrew Atroshenko)

Mama Berlin

I know I have gotten super awful at updating. My excuse this time is the cord to my Mac stopped charging, so I have to use my little PC which is only intended to write, not to internet. So there have been problems and much frustration. You hadn't missed much until recently.

Last week consisted of exams and studying for exams. Yech. However, I can now proudly announce my grades. Ahem. Art History: 7.0 Classic Egyptian I: 7.2 Classic Egyptian II: 9.9. Yes, 9.9!!! Out of 10. No one EVER gets a 10. Go me.

I cannot explain the pressure that has been lifted from me.

Friday night Koos and I went on a candlelight canal tour in Amsterdam. Wine and cheese, rain and storm. Awesome evening.

Sunday we came to Berlin! Met up with Robert, and did a little night caching. Robert had never done geocaching before, but I think he's pretty hooked now. We found 4 or 5 caches (one in the middle of Marx-Engels Platz!)

Monday the three of us (got donuts at Dunkin Donuts and) went to the Zoo!! We had ENTIRELY too much fun looking at animals and such. Robert had to leave us (too soon, too soon) but Koos and I were there until closing. It was great to see Rob again; it's been almost exactly a year since we last saw each other in person. Good times with a good friend. :-)

Today Koos and I went shopping. Well, first we found a virtual cache at Checkpoint Charlie, and another at Potsdamer Platz, then shopping. Mostly clothes for Egypt, so long skirts. :-) Then we came home to grab lunch and to plot. More caching. We searched for 4, and found...1. Only one, alas. We're going to re-examine the clues to the others and try again tomorrow. The one we found was pretty awesome though. There's an awesome fountain in Volkspark Friederichshain (which is a pretty cool park) that has statues of fairy tale characters. You use the statues to find the coordinates. Fun stuff! And my first official cache, since I'm now registered with geocaching.com. Not real sure why I haven't been keeping up with my finds until now.

Afterwards we went back to my old haunt (Kreuzberg) and went to Blaue Nil, the Ethiopian place I so loved. Koos had never had Ethiopian food. :-) SUCH a good meal! Garrgghhh!! Yum.

Then we went to stalk my old apartment, and who should come driving by but my old landlord! And he let us check the place out! My home, my apartment!! Siiigh! But the best part? My name is still on the door bell!!!! :-D Berlin remembers me, and awaits my return!!

Tomorrow: more caching! :-P