Ich bin das Update

I know, I've moved the picture.  Changed it.  Take that.  There was a poem I wanted to quote here.  But I've forgotten it.  I don't know if it was Rumi, Alice Walker, Robert Frost or Jimmy Buffett.  Maybe none of these.  I've lost it.

And this is why I've moved my picture, because it's time for a lot of subtle changes in my life.  I've been struggling to keep everything together.  School, and ISN-R and social life.  I've been going at a full on sprint for the past few months, working every minute I could spare (when not eating, sleeping or showering.)  This is beginning to take its toll.  I work so hard, and nothing gets done as well as it needs to, because I simply have too much on my plate.  I've realized it's not a weakness to admit you're doing too much.

So, I've cut back.  I had thought about quitting ISN-R, but the girls happily convinced me to stay on.  I'll just no longer be the secretary and project manager.  The dual role was too much for me.  So, for now I'm just the secretary, and I'm happy with that.  It means I get to stay, and that I can also focus on my studies.

Because my studies have, frankly, been slipping.  Or rather, they've just not been succeeding as much as they should be.  By now I should be one of the best students in every single one of my classes.  I'm good at this, but I'm just not working hard enough to be the best.  I'm not even working hard enough to be above average.  I'm just doing well in all my classes, and that, frankly, isn't good enough.  Because I can do better.  

I made this decision on Monday night (after getting back a very disappointing test grade) and I spent Tuesday in the library studying.  And today I studied every free minute I got.  But only up to a point.  I know I can do better than I have been, but I can no longer run myself into the ground.  I've cut out a lot of work by handing over the project manager position, but this doesn't mean that I have to, or even should continue my 8am to midnight schedule of non-stop work.  That isn't good for my studies or my body!  Not to mention my mind!

So, tonight after a nice meeting, I went to Einstein to be with people.  I ran into Fabio (Italy) and Johann (France) (these were the boys I met when I first moved here.  My oldest friends in Leiden!)  Luca (Italy) from my Wushu classes was there, and Janos showed up too.  I met all sorts of new people, two Stephens and an Eric from the Netherlands, Phillipe (Portugal, Porto, actually!) and San (Vietnam) and a few of Janos' friends.  And Luca's friends.  Friends friends.

So I feel better.  And I hope my blog will get more interesting.  I've been in a sort of fog for the past few weeks.  Really ditzy too, and forgetful.  I've been doing silly things like running into doors, and unlocking my bike just to lock it up again, and completely forgetting which poems I want to post on my blog.  I've just been sort of a mess.  Like scattered, addled.  Yes, addled is the perfect word.

I want to say so much.  And I will.  From now on, just assume I'm spending my days studying.  I'm going to talk about other things.  

I want a quote, and I have no where else to go but Peter Fox.  But it's fitting.

Hier ist die Luft verbraucht das Atmen fällt mir schwer

Bye-bye, ich muss hier raus, die Wände kommen näher.

Die Welt mit Staub bedeckt doch ich will sehen wo's hingeht

Steig auf den Berg aus Dreck weil oben frischer Wind weht.

(It's stuffy here, it's so hard to breathe

Bye-bye, I 've gotta get out of here, the walls are closing in

The world is covered in dust, but I want to see where it goes

Climb the mountain of dirt, because fresh wind is blowing at the top.)